


Some Nights

by LeesaCrakon



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jeremy is very messed up, Jeremy needs help, Male Friendship, Michael has a lot of guilt, Michael helps, Nightmares, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 02:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11500365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeesaCrakon/pseuds/LeesaCrakon
Summary: Some nights are better than others.





	Some Nights

Warnings: Nightmares, thoughts of suicide/suicide attempt, self harm, self deprecation, blood

Ships: Platonic Meremy Hell

* * *

Some nights are better than others. Some nights, Jeremy can sleep peacefully without the haunting image and voice of the SQUIP or the bloody razor hidden in his drawer plaguing his thoughts. Some nights are a bit anxious and frantic and he’ll get on the phone with Michael, who will talk to him and sing Spanish songs they learned in Middle school until he falls asleep and stay on just a little while longer to make sure nothing else happens. And then, there were nights like this where Jeremy was too scared to move, his body pressed against the wall as he shook and his mouth was open in a silent scream. The dark figure of the SQUIP laughed in delight and came closer to Jeremy’s bed,  eyes flashing dangerously.

“Jeremy, little naive Jeremy, did you really think you could get rid of me?” the SQUIP snickered. Jeremy whimpered, clamping his hands over his ears as tears gathered in his eyes. “I’m a computer! Technology! I can be shut down, but I will never leave!” Jeremy sobbed and buried his knees in his chest, still shaking badly and trying to breathe. 

“G-Go away! You’re not real!” Jeremy had suddenly found the strength to shout, and his energy returned. He surged forward, tackling the SQUIP to the ground. His face was twisted in a snarl as he kneed the horrible thing in the chest, making it gasp and splutter. Jeremy grabbed at the SQUIP’s neck, hoping to strangle it and get this done and over with. His nails dug into the SQUIP’s neck and he felt a sick sense of satisfaction as the SQUIP started to twitch, it’s eyes rolling into the back of it’s head. 

“J-Just look at yourself! Turning violent over something so stupid! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Jeremy’s anger melted into horror and he jumped off the SQUIP, his eyes wide. When he looked down, there was blood on his hands. So much blood. The SQUIP lay motionless on the ground, it’s neck bleeding profusely where Jeremy had stabbed it with his nails, and his eyes were glossed over ~~.~~

 _ ~~Not only are you a worthless loser, you’re a monster! A murderer!~~_ Jeremy shook his head, grabbing at the front of his shirt as he tried to breathe, tried to keep the panic from clouding his mind. 

“N-No, it was an accident! I was mad, I-I didn’t-”

_~~MURDERER! MONSTER!~~ _

“NO! NO, I DIDN’T MEAN TO! STOP IT!” Jeremy screamed, sitting bolt upright in bed, clutching his throat as his chest heaved. He was sobbing freely, tears running down his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t do anything. He took in gulps of  ~~undeserved, unneeded~~ air, hugging his knees to his chest and whimpering between sobs. Beads of sweat lingered on his brow and he lifted a shaky hand to wipe them away, shivering slightly. Jeremy still felt like he couldn’t breathe  ~~good, he shouldn’t breathe, he should die die die~~ and an undeniable wave of panic crashed over him as he stumbled out of bed. He grabbed his phone and clicked on the the number of his most trusted,  ~~undeserved, much cooler friend. Why am I calling him anyways? I hurt him, I don’t deserve him~~  most needed friend, Michael. When he picked up, Jeremy nearly sobbed with relief.

“Jeremy, it’s 2am, what the hell do you want?” Michael grumbled into the phone. Jeremy gritted his teeth and dug his nails into his arm, hard enough to draw blood, silently cursing to himself for waking Michael up so late. 

“I-I’m sorry man, but I… I just-” Jeremy’s whimpered reply was cut off by a sob and he clamped a hand over his mouth, biting down hard on it and trying not to sob into the phone again. Michael was silent on the other end and Jeremy thought for a moment that it was all over, that he’d screwed up for the last time and Michael had just hung up the phone, disgusted with his lame antics, but a soft whisper interrupted his thoughts. 

“Do you want me to come over?” Michael whispered. Jeremy could hear the sadness in his tone. He blinked. 

“W-What?” Michael sighed in slight exasperation. “Never mind. I’ll be there in a few,” Michael said quietly. “Try to hold out until I get there, alright?” Jeremy nodded before realizing Michael couldn’t see through the phone and murmured a timid okay before hanging up. Jeremy’s stomach dropped and he started sobbing again, screaming into the phone for Michael to pick back up until his throat was soar. He threw the phone across the room, grabbing at his hair and shaking his head. 

 _Does Michael think I’m stupid? He’s just going back to bed…. He doesn’t care…_ Jeremy thought, crying softly and getting to his feet.  _He doesn’t care at all._  Eyes dull, Jeremy walked over to the nightstand beside his bed and yanked open the drawer, pulling out a small, silver razor, the blade already encrusted with his dried blood from nights like this. Closing his eyes, Jeremy brought the razor to his skin, shiver as he made a deep slit in his wrist. Tonight he wasn’t aiming for distraction. He was worthless, useless in the stupid world filled with stupid people ~~I’m stupid so stupid~~  and no one wanted him, so why should he keep going? Living meant more tortured nights filled with screaming and crying, more blood, more suffering, more scars added to his thighs, stomach, and arms. Tears welled up in Jeremy’s eyes and spilled down his cheeks as he felt the ~~soothing, liberating~~ rush of blood dripping down his arm and splattering onto the carpet.

 _I deserve it. I’m a horrible friend. A useless moron. A loser nobody wants. I doubt anybody will even miss me,_  Jeremy thought, his lips twisted into a smile. He would finally be rid of the horrible SQUIP forever, and Michael would be able to make some real friends. He moved his hand to make another deep gash on his arm when he heard a startled shout and somebody grabbed his wrist. 

“Let go, Jeremy! Drop it!” Michael said in a panicked whisper. Jeremy froze, his entire body trembling as he stared at his friend with wide eyes. Oh God, he saw what Jeremy was doing! He was going to leave and call him a freak and a loser and he’d be even more alone than before and-

“Sh, sh, it’s okay Jeremy. Give it to me,” Michael said softly, gently easing the razor out of Jeremy’s grip and putting it in his pocket. Jeremy trembled and whimpered, keeping his eyes downcast as Michael led him out of his room and into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind them and sticking Jeremy’s arm into the sink. 

“This is going to hurt,” Michael murmured, slowly turning on the warm water so it didn’t beat down on his friend’s gashed arm. Jeremy watched Michael’s trembling hand as he gently splashed water over the deep cut, rinsing off the blood. Michael held back the vomit coming up in his throat as he saw the fresh, pink wound surrounded by other cuts and scars. 

“Where does your dad keep the first aid kit?” Michael asked. Jeremy silently gestured to the cabinet underneath the sink and Michael quickly snatched the small white box, searching through it desperately until he found what he was looking for: a roll of gauze. Jeremy flinched as Michael started wrapping his arm in gauze.

“I’m so sorry.” Jeremy blinked and looked and Michael silently, his head tilted in confusion. Michael was blinking tears out of his eyes as he wrapped his friend’s arm as gently as he could, not wanting to hurt him any more than he already was. 

“I-I can’t… I can’t even say how sorry I am. I’m your best friend for f*ck’s sake, I should’ve known,” Michael managed to choke out, shaking his head and letting go of Jeremy’s now bandaged arm, taking off his glasses and furiously wiping his tears away. Jeremy, still saying nothing, slumped forward and leaned his forehead against Michael’s chest, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. He felt Michael wrap his arms around him and bury his face in his hair, crying softly and holding him so gently Jeremy felt like a baby. 

“It’s not your fault, I… I did it long before the SQUIP. You almost found out a few times. I’ve just gotten really good at hiding it,” Jeremy mumbled against Michael’s chest, cautiously returning the crying boy’s embrace and sighing. 

“That doesn’t make it right, Jeremy! You…  You are everything to me. My best friend, my brother, my “therapist”, my player two, my partner in crime… The first time I thought I lost you forever I had a God da*m panic attack in Jake’s bathroom! Now you… I almost…” Michael’s voice trailed off and he clutched onto Jeremy as if he was going to disappear, running his fingers gingerly over Jeremy’s injured arm and holding back sobs. 

“I-I… I didn’t know you felt that way,” Jeremy admitted, nuzzling deeper into Michael’s chest to hide his shameful blush. “I didn’t think you cared this much!” Jeremy pushed Michael away as harshly as he could without hurting his arm and stood up, sniffing softly.

“Of course I care! Who the hell do you think I am?” Michael said sternly, and Jeremy almost cracked a smile, his lip twitching ever so slightly. Michael took that as a comfort and wrapped his arms back around Jeremy, guiding his head to his shoulder and letting him rest there. 

“You should probably head home soon,” Jeremy said, and Michael shook his head. 

“Mom doesn’t care. I left a note telling her where I was going. I’m staying right here with you man. I’m not going anywhere. I will stay by your side through thick and thin, and I’m going to fix you. I going to help you get rid of that stupid SQUIP’s voice and stop you from ever feeling like this again, I promise.”

Michael kept his promise. 

 

 


End file.
